o2

everything's always such a fucking mess. so many things to do. so overwhelming. so many failures. unfinished things. unorganized moments. bill unpaid. stories half written. so much clutter.

and no one helps. no one's really there for you. not unless you're in the hospital or if you just want to vent. rant/rave frustrations. 

you really need to network alot to be able to get anywhere, it's just pathetic really. even then, unless it's the right people, right time, the odds are slim to none. and you keep just chugging along. I think i can I think i can. ugh my legs are killing me. 

i'm not sayin not ot bother i'm not saying you don't get anywhere i'm just sick and fucking tired of it all. sick of knowing i'm good enough for so many things and yet never being able to get anywhere with them. sick of the frustration. the beat downs. youth is good. ignorance is good. but after twenty or so years of geting jabbed you start toget punch drunk. after hitting the mat a couple of time it's hard to get back up. especially when you know you'll probably take more of beating. 

fuck. that's the best i can say sometimes. and yet I'm also very grateful grateful for all i have. to be born where and when i was. for tv and movies and dogs and friends and coffee and roller skats and kites and remote controlled cars. life is great but it beat the fucking shit out of you and it's not fair and you can't help but believe it should be and you can't help but get a little bitter and angry that you try so hard and don't make progress or worse fall back and then all you can do is be consoled by firends at best b/c no one you know can really do anythig to help you get to the place you ant to go and god won't cut us al a break and let us all just win the lottery. 

even though we all have all ready won one just for being here and having what we have. yet it's not enough becuase we genetically want progress. we want more. whether it's to find love. passion. inspiration. family. money. we always want, yearn for things to be better than they are. FUCK. and don't even get me started on all the shit we do to contantly fuck ourselves over and stay in the same patterns and places and never figure out how to break free all the while complaining about the paterns we're stuck ina nd how much we want o break free. why doesn't the awareness the desire do it? why have i fucked myself over so many times. knowing i was but hoping and praying i wan't. 

what the fuck is with that?'

FUCK